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idajaneslocket's JournalFriday, January 7, 201111:01AM - We meet again LJSo it's been a few years. I look at my old entries and just laugh. It's fuuny to me how much I've grown in such a short amount of time. I am happy. I have the job I've always wanted(vet tech). I have found THE most amazing man in the world and were engaged ;) I was living in hawaii which was a great experience for me. Now I am back in Las Vegas to be closer to family which really doesn't bother me one bit since I no longer "experience" as I would like to call it with drugs and I'm not depressed.I have noticed some people have changed annnnd some need some growing up to do. Some of my friends are still on drugs but they would never admit that to me even though I know. But it really doesn't matter anymore. It affects their life not mine. Tonight I'm heading over to grandmas for grandkid day ;) I cannot wait to see everyone especially Amanda and my baby niece abby. We will probably discuss my wedding plans since she cannot wait for me to get married. My family loves Oliver which makes me happy. I love him too <3 My bro Sam is in jail and so is the mother once again. But it doesn't matter since I have pretty much adopted my stepmom as mama as I like to call her. Anywho its already 2011. And this year shall be full of changes. Especially since Oliver had his cards read and it said i would be prego this summer. Haha we decided to stay 10 ft from eachother during that time ;) Anywho I am happy. Really happy and I hope everyone else is too! Current mood:  chipperMonday, May 26, 20088:05PM - seriouslymy mother has no place saying its life, deal with it when its her problem not mine in the first place. It's julies birthday and she is suppose to come kidnap me but I'm wondering if she really is. danielle always has a way of putting me in a sour mood. I would really just like to go out and dance the stress away. and smoke a j. ugh I hate this............but on a lighter note I'm turning my new room into a workshop, so you will be seeing a lot of my ideas in solid form, dreams to reality. also I found him ;) and I'm going to marry him one day youll see. Its meant to be. were the same. So when I'm having a bad day like this I just think of him and I feel better. dreams to reality thats what I'm all about.It's time for a new mature stage in my life. possibly true love. when all the million bads dont compare to this one good. beautiful.I just can't even imagine what well accomplish when we put our dreams together. So basically thats what I'm working on. Becoming a more refined me. bigger and better. trust me youll be seeing me doing great things ;) anywho you all can kiss my ass I found the people I need in my life Tuesday, April 29, 20086:20PM - damnThe weirdest feeling I keep taking showers but I never feel clean. I dont even know why.Its not like I do drugs or have gross regretable sex with dudes.So why do I feel dirty.I don't know but I iwsh it was the weekend so I can smoke some weed already.ah I'm turning into a pot head. But seriously fuck alcohol..............well not entirely but Its just not the same as it used to be.plans for the week. Sunday, April 27, 20086:52PM - jeezeDisco inferno. This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster and I don't see it getting better anytime soon.up down up down.lala I'm going insane.............I just need to get organized I believe itll all work out in the end.I just need to stop being so stressed and just breathe breathe breathe. what if tonight is just another night.not the last or the beginning.just stars in the sky me in my bed no sounds hallway light cedric curled up in a ball at my feet.I'm left with insomnia worried about my phone ringing and it being the last person I want it to be.Since when are my dreams no longer sufficient nor the bed I lay in not even my bed, my body pillow offers no comfort nor rupert.I just lay there staring at nothing wondering why why why? but reassure myself this time is different you are the same.busy busy busy the word pops up really are you busy?and what is that important anymore.Life the future.the time of your life.And me lying in my bed alone trapt no come over no come with no I need you no seriously!No gentle hug No fingers race the light on your face the pull of your embrace unsteady pace my body trace were both in outerspace clothes still on just in case there is no chase straight to home base No I know my place ignore that last part What would I be saying if it were to go off around 10 or so. my face would light up so stoked we get to light up your bong let you sing your song play the piano.yes that sounds good no I'm not to high never want to say goodbye.Even just one more night I would be happy content but can't promise I wont cry. I already know I'll cry I'm not good with goodbye.It's not forever. just appears that way I would never want to make you stay. well see tonight limbo. I shouldn't go I shouldnt go I shouldnt go but If you asked I would and ignore the fact I'm needed else were.Just one more night and then I promise to be good even if not for a night I will try and keep myself together I promise.I have my girls that is all I need.Things happen for a reason so I will wait and see and if my dreams dont come true I'll just keep dreamin them and they will last me forever.I'm strong and I will move on I need to take care of my family now they need me more than you.I need somebody gah Monday, April 21, 20083:11PM - 420 08Last night was soooo amazing. seriously I've never experienced something so intense.Its like I can let everything go with him.I don't have to try to be somebody other than me.I felt so connected.It's fricken weird.Hes right we are crazy.It's crazy.I love sex.haha.damn him for going to paris for a couple of monthes. lucky ass. haha. but seriously last night I smoked weed with jade for the first time.We smoked some snow cap and like some purple hash or something anywho my brother said it was the highest hes ever been.That makes me happy for some reason haha.oh and I watched the craziest show for kids seriously if your high and you watch it you will die.Its called boobah or something. It'll freak you out.I dont know but jade just adores dylan.he told him he gives him permission to sleep with his sister.hahahaha I'm just in a really good mood annnnnnnnnnnnd we get to eat a sizzlers tonight ;) yup thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!hragksfhoblkjnblskjgfraja Current mood:  indescribableTuesday, April 15, 20086:42PM - eepLife is good even though my mother attempts to make it a living hell ;) I've just had this amazing boost of confidence lately and it feels good. Maybe the whole new car thing or the $10,000 im suppose to be getting next week. First thing I'm gonna buy is braces haha. maybe some fake titties. I'm gonna get a fancy camera too to start my photography poject. I'm gonna start painting again. maybe travel a bit. Vinnie says a girl deserves what she wants and says I should travel the world while I'm young and hes willing to help out. anywho my dad is dating a playmate(whom I just adore) anywho she says shes gonna get my 21st b day party at the playboy mansion ;) good stuff since I hope to be a playmate one day. anywho Thank you kim for being an awesome stepmom and the 10k. haha. and thank you vinnie for being an awesome stepdad and the new car. anywho cedric is a lil pain in the arse but hes my lil lovebug too. anywho what else has been going on. Dylan moved and I'm super happy for him. But I'm gonna miss him a lot more than I thought I would. I guess its just cuz were so much a like I feel like I dont have to try he just already knows, I know what hes thinking in a sense.pisces. anywho hell always be my pretty boy haha. I just want my bra back damn it. I have the worst time with those things. dont know why. also I'm celibate now and I'm gonna attempt to not drink till next month well see how long i last. Its crazy how everyone changes. I know I have. But I know I can't linger in the past I gotta keep moving forward so expect great things people ;) Current mood: chipperSaturday, August 25, 20074:17PM - sooo updateRyan moved to florida and we broke up which was my doing because hes still completely in love with me. Yes he treated me like a queen but I guess it wasn't good enough cuz I'm weird. I'ma freebird always have been. truth be told theres someone else. I really like him. but I fear I'm doomed in the love department forever.haha anywho I'm not single but not taken yet.Just very confused about everything. Current mood: blahTuesday, July 3, 200711:20AM - ;)life can't get much better than this.God last weekend was sooooo much fun.Amber and I are life long partners.lol. annnnnnnnnd ryans pretty cute.anywho I'm gonna get ready and go to the careschool Current mood: happyMonday, June 25, 200712:40AM - and thisHelp, I have done it again Current mood:  sorrySunday, June 24, 200711:13PM - yupMy life is crazy.It's funny how in one minute you hit rock bottom and the next your on top of everything.I think I'm just finally growing up.Yes I am many things in different eyes but I have learned what I aspire to be and what I'm not.Life is funny.It's funny how things work out,It's funny how people change and adapt,Funny how other people leave impressions on you small or big and Funny when you realize whats really important to you.Its not easy having to carve out all those other things.I graduated high school.I'm going to college.I have a life and It's mine to do with as I please and I don't give a damn how other people analyze me anymore.Actually I think I'm my worst critic.Anywho you know me always bordering on extremes.I can't seem to get anything done in the emotional department. I'm thinking just let go and flow.sounds good.I spend to much time and energy trying to figure everyone out/ trying to fix everything/ I figure things happen for a reason. I should just relax and let things unfold when the time is right.Thats an answer.My answer.Anywho this song keeps playing in my head over and over. Current mood:  quixoticSaturday, January 13, 20074:57AM - hmhhhhhhhhhI getting my life back together. I'm making my parents proud. I'm doing everything I should do mostly..................So why am I happy yet feel so empty Friday, November 24, 20064:08PM - WorkI must work really hard to be unhappy. damn it.There is a boy I met, a boy I know, A boy I knew and want to meet again. I give up. period. I'd rather dream that things were perfect. Monday, May 22, 2006Monday, March 13, 20067:38PMI honestly hate you all.Really I do.I knew something big would happen today something either bad or good.It was bad.I even really dislike my best friend.Trust me I have my reasons.Everyone is so judgemental and hypicritical.Fucking rude.Fuck you I know I cant spell.Seriously People start minding your own god damn business.Does anyone have compassion or understanding anymore???NOPE.Dont talk shit about my friends,or fuck with them.I hate you.I hate two-faced bitches.Take responsibility for your own actions.You aren't better than anyone else.And when I say I need to talk to you its important and shouldn't take a 4738650983 weeks cuz you know whats coming.I'm sick of people walking all over me and I'm sick of being the vulnerable girl that everyone feels sorry for.period. Current mood:  bitchyFriday, March 10, 2006Sunday, February 26, 20069:45PMSometimes I just dont know what to do with myselff.........I've known I've needed a/to change.I am changing. Current mood: okayMonday, February 20, 200610:07PMsevere depression.haha.duh.I look at my old infatuation and wonder what in the hell was I thinking.And now I look at the new possible infatuation and think,I dont want to make another mistake.I have enough of those.I find myself stuck not trying to make any sudden movements.Why do I always listen to my heart instead of my soul.I promised myself I would never do this again.I need someone to save me.I know I cant change him.haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Current mood: blankSunday, February 19, 20068:49PMIt has been an interesting weekend.Friday was amazing.I kick ass at beer pong.hahaha.I got a little taken aback by the whole[not in public thing]it was just a little kiss on the neck ahaha.ok so I was really faded.And I guess I was yelling on the phone at him/I dont remember haha.sorry.Anywho I've been hanging out with Julie ,and I think she's amazing:) I miss arielle and olivia,but a job does cut down your social life and it makes me sad. I haven't slept for oh over 24 hours.Insomnia suxxxx.All I really want is for ...... to come over and cuddle with me. blahhhh,I don't even feel like going out.which is not like me at all.I have a feeling that this week is going to be promising and it will only get better from here.I hope,I pray that this to shall pass.lol.ewwww,I have work tomorrow.yuck.I leave for cali thurs.and im gonna party with mickey mouseeeee:} Current mood: blankFriday, February 17, 200610:51AMI feel tonight can go either way.But it has great potential.Party at mylenassssssssss.yay!!!!!!!For some reason I have been feeling like a recluse lately.Apart from not going to school(I know I'm awful but I'll go next week)I just dont trust anyone.I mean I love all my friends but........I'm just not sure.I dont think anyone is sincere anymore.Therefore I cant express or be myself.I feel trapped inside my head.And my words and ideas trapped inside a little red notebook,my love trapped inside my heart,and my happiness just another jaw clenching experience that comes and gos as it pleases.But I think I've come to another turning point in my meaningful life.It's time to crawl out of the hole I've been digging for years.I will just need some assistance.Everyday is a new day.A sunrise is gorgeous but it doesn't compare to the sunsets.Why do you think that is???It's because the day is finally over.You've made your choices and done your deeds and you can't press rewind, go back and change them.The sunset is the person you become.The sky glazed over with cool pastel colors.You have learned from your mistakes and became a better person.A better view for the world then you were that morning.your experienced and you can look at that sunset and say my day is over,it's finally over and All I have to look forward to now is mother moon and starlite sky comforting me and relieving my burdons because in the end everything turns out the way it was suppose to be.11:11.make a wish.I wish to understand.the most used question I ask myself......why do I always unintentionally ruin everything I aspire to be,to have,to hold,to feel,tolove///////////// Current mood: gratefulTuesday, February 14, 200612:06AMHMMMMMMMMM.............I work at Angels touch again.I missed it kinda.Mylenas mom broke her knee and is on morphine.Weird because shes actually being nice to me.Aha.I haven't been going to school.I really think depression is a disease.I cant stand valentines day.ewwww.Although a guy did call me today wondering why I never see him.Hes really cute and is a mortage brooker and polite but for some reason I dont care.I mean I like him I do but I dont put any effort in.I think I give up to easy.Maybe I just like someone else more.The one that never puts in any effort to see me.The one that lies and I argue with all the time.Dont know why I wont give up on him. 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